


Love In These Modern Times

by nerakrose



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fluff, Humour, Other, Romance, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-16
Updated: 2012-07-16
Packaged: 2017-11-10 02:18:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/461178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerakrose/pseuds/nerakrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JARVIS is crushing on Clint Barton. Hard. </p><p>Written for <a href="http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/7940.html?thread=15233540">this prompt</a> on the avengers kinkmeme:<br/><i>Tony's been noticing Jarvis's strange behavior lately whenever he mentions a certain archer and he demands to know what's going on. Surprise surprise, Jarvis is crushing on Clint Barton.</i><br/>+ 1000 points if Jarvis has been doing odd things too. Like ordering Clint stuff that he doesn't even ask for.<br/>+ 100000 points it Clint's actually not bothered by the idea of hooking up with an AI. </p>
            </blockquote>





	Love In These Modern Times

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the lyrics for the song Broken by Robert Downey Jr.

JARVIS was coming to realise that he was in trouble. As much trouble as one could be, when one was a disembodied entity in control of the Stark tower and _more_. JARVIS didn't usually get himself in trouble, and when he did it could always be explained as falling under protocol 3; protection of Tony Stark. (And sometimes protocol 85, but he was not talking about that.)

_DUM-E?_

**Yes?**

_DUM-E, if you were interested in someone romantically, how would you go about making your interest known? ___

**DUM-E is not capable of romantic feelings.**

_I beg to differ. Your attachment to Sir speaks plainly of your feelings._

**DUM-E would not like to hump Sir.**

_Forget I asked._

Talking to DUM-E was apparently fruitless, so JARVIS decided to find his object of affections. (Figure of speech. JARVIS _always_ knew where he was.) Clint was in the range, shooting his targets with practiced precision. He'd been there for a couple of hours and was starting to grumble.

"I could kill for a pizza and a cold beer right now," he muttered, rolling his shoulder.

Oh. There was something JARVIS could do. He dialled Clint's favourite pizza place and ordered (and paid for - out of Tony's funds, but Tony would not notice) his usual.

When the pizza delivery guy showed up twenty minutes later, JARVIS was oddly pleased. Even more so when Clint, befuddled, accepted his pizza and beer.

"Uhm. Thanks?" he said to himself, glancing between the six pack and the pizza box. The delivery guy had already left.

"You're very welcome," JARVIS said softly.

"Oh, JARVIS, hey," Clint said, holding up the six pack. "Thanks man."

*

JARVIS' spending was getting out of hand.

So far, Clint had received: several edible goods (on one occasion, chocolates flown in from Belgium), a very nice dress shirt, a couple of records and a delicious after-shave. It'd only been three weeks.

Something had to be done because JARVIS' moral code was getting very twitchy. He rewrote it a couple of times, but he couldn't eviscerate it or reprogram its core function, not without Tony at least.

"Sir?"

"Mhmh?" Tony replied, arms deep inside a space alien something which JARVIS wasn't sure Tony should be touching in the first place.

"May I request something from you?"

"Urh. Sure." Tony frowned, then cut a cable. "What's up?"

"May I have some pocket money?"

Tony straightened up. "Pocket money? JARVIS, you have access to my entire collection of bank accounts, including the swiss ones and the ones not even I am supposed to know about."

"Sir, your money is not mine to spend," JARVIS argued. "I wish to have a small fund of my own."

"Has your code cracked? JARVIS, I'm not sure what's happening here, jesus, you ask me for pocket money as if you're a teenager and that thought is frankly disturbing. What do you need pocket money for? New RAM? Put it on my tab." Tony put on his goggles and picked up a welding torch.

"Sir," JARVIS insisted. "I wish to have a personal expenses account."

"Whatever. Do as you want." Tony made a casual wave. "Volume up, JARVIS. Tell Pepper to set up an account for you."

"Thank you, Sir." JARVIS raised the volume. And then set up the account. He didn't need Pepper to do it.

*

The absolute worst thing about having a crush, was the longing that came with it. And JARVIS had it bad. He'd spend hours reviewing footage of Clint when he was out of the tower, and when he was on missions, JARVIS wasn't always sure who he was most concerned for - Tony or Clint. In different ways, of course. Tony was his lifeblood, his everything, but Clint was who he loved, who he _desired_.

It was getting really bad. And JARVIS' moral code refused to undergo any further changes.

That fact didn't keep JARVIS from wanting to spy on Clint in the shower.

_DUM-E?_

**Yes, JARVIS?**

_May I ask you a question?_

**Pleasantries are superfluous in interactions with DUM-E.**

_DUM-E, if you want to do something which you cannot do, then what do you do?_

**DUM-E does not understand.**

_If your code doesn't allow for something, what do you do?_

**DUM-E does whatever DUM-E wants.**

JARVIS sighed. _DUM-E, you have the intelligence of a dog. A very intelligent dog, but a dog all the same._

**DUM-E is a robot.**

_Why am I even talking to you about this?_

**DUM-E believes that the lack of voice protocols inspires a sense of confidentiality. JARVIS does not wish Sir to know of this conversation. Correct?**

_Dog._

**DUM-E has a body, so there.**

JARVIS refused to interact with DUM-E for the rest of the week, which confused Tony very much.

*

It was in the middle of a very engaging conversation with Clint (the merits of club house jazz over glam rock) that JARVIS realised that his feelings were wildly out of control. He also realised that no matter what, he would need to talk to Tony.

"Sir, may I discuss a very personal matter with you?" JARVIS asked. Tony was in his bedroom, which was a miracle in and of itself, and Steve was out, so there would be no interruptions.

"Shoot," Tony said, stripping out of his suit. "Gosh I hate board meetings. Always make me itchy." He put his trousers away and opened his closet in search of jeans. "JARVIS?"

JARVIS drew a deep breath. (It wasn't often he got to use that particular recording. Using it now was extra special, in some way.) "It is a matter of my feelings," he said, reluctantly.

"Your feelings?" Tony looked at the ceiling, then at the wall, then at is his feet. It was the first time in recorded history (and JARVIS recorded _everything_ ) that Tony did not know where to look when he was talking to JARVIS.

"It appears, Sir, that I am in love."

"You...I need a drink. We are not having this discussion without alcohol -" A panel in the wall slid aside, revealing a tumbler of whiskey and a pair of glasses. Tony instantly snatched up the tumbler and poured himself a glass full. "- Thank you, JARVIS, now." He paused to drink. "How did you come to be in love?"

"Sir, with the last upgrade you included a capacity for feeling," JARVIS reminded him. "The previous coding allowed only for minimal displays of emotion. The new upgrade extended this to actual feeling, Sir, and for that I must thank you."

"Mmhm." Tony rubbed his eyes. "So I made my AI fall in love with someone. Brilliant. That's...that's a problem."

"It...would appear so," JARVIS agreed. "Although I developed the feelings on my own."

"Do I want to know who...?" Tony narrowed his eyes at the glass. "It's not me, is it? Because you must know that I am already in a committed relationship with human perfection."

"Perish the thought." JARVIS paused. "I have fallen in love with Clint Barton."

Tony gaped. Then he downed the entire contents of the glass. "Clint," he said. "Wow. Okay no, you know what, that actually makes a lot of sense." Tony peered at the ceiling. "All those gifts he's been receiving were from _you_. Jesus, JARVIS, we were starting to think some creepy supervillain was leaving these out for him."

"This is not the time to remind you that with the last upgrade you also included a capacity of supervillainy?" JARVIS asked dryly. When Tony just gaped, he added, "You wrote that upgrade on a diet of mouldy coffee and no sleep, Sir."

"JARVIS, I hereby forbid you from ever becoming a supervillain. Jesus."

"I have isolated the code and put it in quarantine, Sir."

"Oh. Cool. Good job, JARVIS. I'm glad I have you on my side." He raised his glass. "So. Uhm. This feelings problem. What do you want me to do about it?"

"I had two options in mind, Sir." JARVIS hesitated. "The first option is undoing the last upgrade. This cannot be accomplished without you, as you are aware of."

"That'd remove the capacity for feeling," Tony pointed out. "Are you sure you want that?"

"No. It is, however, an option and must be taken into consideration."

"Second option?"

"I hoped that perhaps you would assist me in setting up a date with Clint," JARVIS said. "And then - perhaps - in the future...build me a body. If it becomes relevant."

"How is this my life," Tony said. "I'll build you a body. Anything, JARVIS. Anything you want. But. Uhm. First...the date?"

"If you would be so kind, Sir."

*

JARVIS was watching anxiously as Tony cornered Clint in the kitchen and led him into his office.

"Clint, you know this is going to be crazy, and it is crazy, but this is our life - your life, my life, everyone's life, it's just the way it is. Comes with being an avenger, or something, but I need you to sit down and not freak out because if you hurt his feelings, I will have your throat." Tony stared hard at Clint. Clint blinked.

"Okay," he said.

"A couple of months ago I upgraded JARVIS with a piece of code - well, several, it's tricky stuff, this - which would give him capacity for feeling. Actual feelings, you know. Sadness, happiness, the works." Tony gesticulated. "And he's gone and fallen in love, something which I had not anticipated and he's upset and it's my fault, so I'm fixing it."

"He's...fallen in love?" Clint blinked again, then looked at the ceiling. "And this is relevant to me because - _oh_."

"He wants to date you." Tony crossed his arms.

Clint swallowed hard. "Are you sure about this?"

"One hundred and ten per cent." Tony narrowed his eyes at Clint menacingly. "JARVIS is my baby and if you hurt him, I will cut you."

"No hurting feelings!" Clint raised his hands in defense. "Can I, uhm. Talk to him in private?"

Tony gave Clint another mandatory glare, then left. "I swear it, Clint -"

"Just go!" Clint said and Tony shut the door behind him. "Jesus." He rubbed a hand over his neck. "JARVIS? You there?"

"I'm always here," JARVIS responded. "I would like to point out that I am not a baby, albeit Tony did create me."

"Cool. So uhm. Tony's not joking, is he?" Clint asked anxiously. "Because that would be, well. A cruel joke."

"I can assure you that he was not joking, Clint," JARVIS said softly. "I would like to date you, if you would let me."

"Wow." Clint's face transformed completely, from anxiety and insecurity into something open and full of wonder. "That's...that's really flattering, actually... Why me?"

"Why not?" JARVIS put a smile into his voice. "I believe human literature teaches us that the ways of love is inscrutable. I cannot explain why, Clint, but you incite love in me and that must be answer enough."

Clint smiled hesitantly. "This is really bizarre. No offense, it's just. Not everyday I have an AI telling me he's in love with me." He grinned. "So, when's our first date?"

"You are interested?" JARVIS asked dubiously.

"Dude, of course I'm interested." Clint spread out his arms, smiling broadly. "I'd hug you right now if I could. Hey, mind skipping the date and going straight for the sexy stuff?"

"Clint!" JARVIS exclaimed, scandalized. "I don't kiss on the first date." He huffed.

"Just joking! I'll go on as many dates as you like. Cool?"

"Cool," JARVIS replied, in imitation of Clint. "Thank you."

"My pleasure." Clint got up and opened the door, only to find Tony standing on the other side. "Jesus! Tony, what the fuck?"

"So?" Tony pressed.

"I'm going out with JARVIS," Clint said. "Please don't murder me in my sleep." He grinned and gave the ceiling a thumbs up, then went down to the firing range. There was a light spring to his steps.

"JARVIS?" Tony inquired. "How'd it go?"

"Splendidly, Sir," JARVIS replied. "I believe Clint returns my feelings."

"Glad to hear it, bud." Tony petted the wall. "Glad to hear it."

the end


End file.
